The unbearable lightness of being.
Perhaps this "lightness of being" is a sign that I have been "released". Things happen for a reason. Strange how I had encouraged him to go for the diploma course, and not worry about the break from paid work. The strange thing is that it happened during the internship, the final leg of the course. The recommendation of the internship company came about because of a mutual friend (how strange, now that I think the wheels were set in motion so very long ago). He had always not liked the guy much but "tolerated" him because the latter was my friend. Looks like he has not only graduated out of the programme, but the relationship too. As much as it sounds cliched, this is for the better, for both of us.
The strange coincidence of it all: I have been told I look healthier, and I think he's looking better too. Has the relationship been literally poisoning us in body and spirit?
We met for breakfast yesterday, and also to return stuff to each other. We made friend-talk (small-talk is too demeaning a term to use here), and he made an interesting comment, which shall not be printed in this journal -- I am exercising my choice and responsibility here. So there :-) It was a very comfortable friendliness -- which is good. I don't want to lose a very good friend too, and whom I am still very fond of.
Later in the day, SF and I were just standing at the corner of Centrepoint, while she took a call, and I saw him walking in our direction, looking smart in a long-sleeved shirt and a much smaller paunch. He was on his way to meet "dragon girl" for a movie. I was thinking (and smarting somewhat, i.e. *buay song*) at the amount of effort he had put in to look good -- for her. SF said that perhaps this chance incident was meant to validate my decision to break it off. We wouldn't even have been in that area if not for her wanting liquorice from Plaza Singapura. Just as Areya said one should learn to "fang4 de2 xia4" (i.e. give it up and put it away), one should also learn to "xiang3 de2 kai1" (i.e. come to terms with one's thoughts and decisions).
With this "release", it's time to travel alone, for some time...to think about what I really want out of my life and to contemplate the meaning of it all.
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Looks like "the one" has generated some interesting opinions here and here :-)
And here's what Jack, the self-proclaimed "smart ass (and overworked) consultant" had to say about "The Right One":
"Let's look at the math. There are 6 billion people in the world. Assuming the RIGHT ONE for you is a male, that cuts it down to 3 billion or so. The average life span of a Singaporean female like yourself would be around 72 years. Now to meet everyone so that you can be sure of the RIGHT ONE, you would have to meet 1.32 men every second of your life starting from the second you were born.
I (on behalf of Pei): Someone asked: What about the newborns every second? You forgot to include them. Heh.
Jack: What about old fogies who croak every second? The task simplifying assumption was that equilibirum was in place.
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So, do I still believe he was "the one"? Maybe he was -- but not anymore. Maybe we were meant to be together, for some reason, and now we are not meant to be together. Why? I suppose we have out-grown each other and have to move on to our greater purpose in life.
But you never forget your first love.
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And in answer to Pei's questions: What is the meaning of life? Why do we strive towards perfection? Is imperfection bad? Why are some people always "moving on"?
I remember grappling with the meaning of life when I was younger, and it ended in a major mental breakdown exactly 12 years ago. See what I mean about the Year of the Horse being bad for me?
SF believes we are here to learn our lessons in life, to develop "skillsets" that would prepare us for the next stage of life. To become a "better" human being. To move up the hierarchy of needs, from the basics of food and shelter, to eventually, realising our spiritual potential. With each module passed, we move on. A module or set of modules may not be completed within a lifetime though. And so, you continue in your next life. Pretty strange coming from a Christian, huh? Heh.
Maybe that is why people get restless easily and are constantly "moving on". Once they have graduated from a module, they have to move from that point of equilibrium to seek a higher point, and so on, until they have reached the "end point".
Very briefly and simplistically, the Buddhists believe that the cycle of rebirth and death only ends when one has unburdened oneself of all mortal baggage and become "enlightened" of one's spiritual destiny.
So, what is this "enlightenment" or end that we seek? Are we seeking to become the "perfect" human being? What is the "perfect" human being? I don't know, Pei. All I know is, it may not be within our current capacity to understand the "perfect" human being...yet. It may not be "perfection" as the Oxford defines it. It may not yet be in language that we can understand. What we do know of "love" and "life" now, is only what we can understand within the scope of our current stage of mental evolution. Maybe we will know when we have fully developed our "sixth sense".
Why then "the one"? Maybe the coupling of men and women was intended from the moment Adam gave up his rib to make Eve. A complement of sorts. A meeting of soulmates. So a possible alternative view to what Eve (not Adam's Eve) said, is that maybe people do want to come together -- but only with "the one". Until "the one" comes along, it would not seem "natural" and hence the effort needed to stay together. I suppose it is possible for people to walk past their soulmates and not realise it, or for some reason, they do meet "the one" but are not ready to "couple" -- but as I said, sometimes, things do happen for a reason. You may not understand it now; you may not even understand it in this lifetime. Of course, this is all terribly disconcerting for people who need to make sense of their life and the world around them. Trust me, I myself find it disconcerting too.
I don't know where this puts the lesbians and homosexuals though.
Now I also don't know if eventually, close to and / or upon realisation of one's spiritual destiny, it would be by oneself, or with "the one". Maybe "the one" is just the means to the end -- so as one evolves spiritually, one becomes increasingly self-sufficient.
The truth is out there.
